Katy Harvey

5 important things for you to acknowledge and accept

Eating disorders professionals are frequently using a philosophy called “Health At Every Size” (HAES) to help people recover.  It is based on the idea that we can help people be healthier - physically, mentally, socially - if we take the focus off weight and instead focus on compassionate self-care and respect for body diversity in size and shape.

 

Here are 5 things to acknowledge and accept:

1. The fashion, beauty, health, diet and fitness industries profit billions of dollars every year off telling you that you need to change your body.
2. The eating disorder uses these messages against you as a way to protect itself.
3. Your body already knows what weight it needs to be in order to be healthy. 
4. True health is a complex interplay of your body’s physical functioning, mental health, and social well-being. (definition from the World Health Organization)
5. All bodies deserve love, kindness and respect.  Regardless of their size or shape. 

 

When we take care of ourselves all-around, we will be healthy.  That’s not to say we won’t ever have health issues.  However, the key is to treat the underlying issue and not to focus on weight loss as a cure.  There is plenty of research that shows dieting - even under the guise of “health” - actually causes more harm than good.  Sadly, most doctors don’t even realize this. 

 

Even with all of the research that counters the cultural beliefs about health and weight, this information is still not well-known.  As you are empowered with more information, you can use it to help you heal from your eating disorder.

Recovering your dignity

I sat in the pew at church this past weekend, and something the priest said really stuck with me.  He was translating the 10 Commandments into words that were relatable in our modern-day lives, and when he got to "Thou shall not kill" he pointed out that this commandment enshrines life.  It's not merely about not murdering each other - it's about having respect for the dignity of every human being.

And this includes ourselves.

We all deserve to live a life of dignity.  A life where we feel safe and respected by ourselves and others. 

The eating disorder robs you of your dignity in many, many ways: 

• Telling you that your worth and self-esteem are based on your weight and appearance
• Making you do things that are harmful and detrimental to your body
• Isolating you from social interaction
• Hiding the truth about your behaviors
• Fixating on your eating/exercise/weight above other important things
• Beating yourself up for what you ate or didn't eat
• Beating yourself up for the size of jeans you wear
• Beating yourself up for not being "good enough" (whatever that means...)
• Beating yourself up for every little thing....

Want to reclaim your dignity?  Or perhaps discover it for the first time in your life? 

Great - then it's time to take a stand against the eating disorder, and against our culture that makes you feel this way.  

 

Treating yourself with dignity while you recover

It's going to take quite a bit of time to heal from the suffering you have endured.  Give yourself grace and compassion for this.  That's the first step to reclaiming your dignity.  

There are many ways that you can begin to practice self-respect:

• Check in with your body throughout the day.  Ask yourself what you need.
• Feed yourself when you are hungry.
• Choose satisfying foods.
• Stop when pleasantly satiated.
• Move your body as an act of kindness, rather than punishment.
• Get plenty of rest. 
• Unplug and have tech-free time periodically.
• Practice assertiveness and expressing your needs. 
• Daily self-care.
• Speaking out against media that promotes dieting and thinness.
• Saying NO to your diet culture.

These are just ideas.  I encourage you to come up with your own and start to play around with it.  Respect yourself enough to take this process seriously, and to think of it as an experiment where you are gathering data about what works and doesn't work for you as an individual.  

When the eating disorder tries to rob you of your dignity, say no.  Set a boundary.  Take care of yourself instead.  This will feel uncomfortable at first, and the eating disorder will tell you that you are being stupid, silly, selfish (or some other negative).  That's the eating disorder trying to protect itself.  

Dignity is about your True Self protecting the real you.  And that means kicking the eating disorder to the curb.  

What you're told to do vs. What you need to do

No one has ever tried more diligently to solve a problem than the chronic dieter...

...The way you've been told to deal with your problem - through control - puts you face-to-face with an impossible dilemma.  You have been told not to do exactly what you need to do.  -- Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter, Overcoming Overeating

 

Anyone who has ever tried to diet or control their eating knows how much work it is.  The counting, measuring, monitoring - it all makes you feel productive and in control. 

Until the inevitable happens and you lose control or break one of your rules. 

The defeat. 

The sense of failure. 

But the truth is, you're not lazy or a failure.  You have demonstrated incredible determination through your repeated attempts to control your eating and weight.  

The glitch is the faulty assumption you've made - that the food and your weight are the "problem" to be solved through control.  And you've tried so many ways to exert control over yourself, only to have it backfire every time. 

 

But what if you were to redefine the problem?  

The problem is that you feel inadequate at your core.  And that you are using food (and control over food) to cope with all of your emotions.  

By viewing the problem this way, the solution becomes something much different than dieting. 

As Jane and Carol said in the quote above, "You've been told not to do exactly what you need to do."  By that they mean that you've been told not to trust your body, not to trust your appetite, not to trust your emotions, not to trust your needs.

Healing will happen when you learn to trust your appetite, and when you learn to trust that your emotions and needs are valid and deserve to be met.  

How you can change the way you think about food

'The human nervous system is plastic in a very important way, which means your experience of the world can be radically transformed." -- Sam Harris, PhD

 

What this should instill in you is HOPE.  

HOPE that if you keep working at your recovery, things will get better.

HOPE that you really can change the way you think and feel about food.

HOPE that you can someday live in peace with your body.

Because your brain literally changes the way it thinks and perceives things over time.  

 

How does this work in eating disorder recovery?

We identify the thought patterns that are leading you to the eating disordered behaviors. 

For example, if you believe that eating fat makes you fat, then you will probably avoid foods with fat in them. 

But, because the body needs fat, your cravings will eventually win out, and you'll find yourself feeling out of control with something like peanut butter, chips, cookies, ice cream, pizza....you get the point.  

Then, because you believe that eating these foods will make you fat, you feel terribly guilty about eating them.  And you feel awful about yourself.

The (faulty) underlying beliefs:

1. Eating fat will make you fat
2. Becoming fat is an awful thing

Changing your beliefs

This is the "plasticity" of the brain that Sam Harris refers to in the quote at the top.  Plasticity means that it can be molded and shaped.

First, we would look at your belief that eating fat will make you fat, and whether or not this is scientifically true (spoiler alert - it's not).  

Then we could do some "experiments" where we have you eat some foods with fat in them to see if it does make you fat.

As you start to see that your belief is false, your brain starts to think differently about foods with fat in them.  It starts to see them as tasty, beneficial, and safe to eat.

Then we would work on your belief that becoming fat is an awful thing.....etc.  

 

Back to HOPE

You see how this works?  We "rewire" your brains thoughts gradually over time to support recovery, rather than the eating disorder.  

What this all means is that you CAN recover and you CAN have a profoundly different life.  One that is rich and full of connection and joy -- the very things that the eating disorder takes away from you.

 

When you're no longer using eating disorder behaviors but your body image still sucks

With effective treatment, eating disorder behaviors related to food and exercise subside.  Many times loved ones perceive that this means the individual is “over” the eating disorder.  But those who have suffered know that this is typically just the beginning.  

 

That's because body image often gets worse before it gets better as behaviors are decreased and eliminated.  And it’s often the last part of the eating disorder to subside.  As Jenni Schafer describes in her iconic book, Life Without Ed, negative body image often acts like bookends to the eating disorder - present at the beginning, and the last thing to resolve in the end.  

 

Why is this???

 

The psychology of body image in eating disorders

 

I recently described in another post the metamorphosis of body image between childhood and adulthood.

 

Ask an adult what they like about their body and you’ll likely get a response along these lines:

 

• “Nothing."
• “I guess I don’t mind my hair/eyes/etc.” (Often a part of the body that we don’t judge on its fatness.  Also note the disqualifies of “I guess” and “I don’t mind.”)
• (Nervous laughing) followed by “I’m not really sure…” and they’ll avoid answering the question.

 

Ask a child (elementary age or younger) what they like about their body and this is what you’ll hear:

 

• “Everything!"
• “It’s big and strong!"
• “I love my legs/arms/belly!” (Any body part is appreciable for kids!)

You see, our body image tends to start out quite positively during childhood.  We think that our bodies are awesome and that they do really cool things.  But then our mentality starts to shift between adolescence and adulthood to where we view our bodies more critically.  

 

For many people, their eating disorder starts with negative body image - wishing they could somehow change their body or lose weight to feel better about themselves.  And so begins a pattern of behaviors intended to alter and "improve" the body that can spiral into the realm of eating disorder.  

 

Recovery starts with identifying the eating disorder behaviors and working to cease them.  This tends to bring up a ton of discomfort with body image, because without these behaviors they may fear what will happen to your body and their weight.  

 

Getting a handle on the behavioral symptoms is just the first step though.  Just because on the outside it might look like a person is "fixed" or "cured" because they appear to be eating "normally" doesn't mean that they don't have a ginormous internal struggle going on.  

 

So what do you do when you've stopped using your eating disorder behaviors but your body image still sucks???

 

4 ways people who have recovered deal with body image

1. Body neutrality: A twist on the "body positivity" concept that has become popular.  For some people, especially when their body image really sucks, the idea of feeling positive about their body is very pie-in-the-sky.  Plus, focusing on feeling positively towards your body is still focusing on your body.  For many recovered people, feeling neutral about their body is more healing.  They accept that their body is what it is and treat it well, without over-focusing on it.  Give it a try and see what you think.
2. Values and defusion: These concepts come from the world of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), which is being shown to be very effective in the treatment of eating disorders.  
   
   With values, you identify what is truly important to you across various realms of life.  And then you step back and look at whether your behaviors support these values.  For example, if you value relationships with your friends and family but are avoiding getting together with them because you feel bad about your body or you don't want to face the food involved, then you aren't truly aligning with your value of connection in those relationships.  
   
   Defusion is a technique where you notice your thoughts without attaching to them (i.e. fusing with them) or judging them.  So you might say, "I notice that I'm having the thought that I'm fat."  You recognize that thoughts are just thoughts - they may or may not be true - and it doesn't matter.  It's just a thought, and it will eventually pass.  You need not "do" anything with it.  So you'd notice this thought about feeling fat and continue on with your day in accordance with your values.  
3. Going deep: Ahhh, my personal favorite.  Getting beneath the surface to understand the reasons you feel inadequate in the first place.  This is where a skilled therapist comes in.  Eating disorders and body image issues are the symptom, not the problem.  What this means is that we don't need to "fix" your body image - we need to understand why you feel that way and where these shameful thoughts are coming from.  Almost always it is a blend of societal influence combined with seeds of shame that were planted way back in our past. 
   
   Speaking of shame...
   
   
4. Shame resilience: People who are recovered tend to have developed what's called "shame resilience" along the way.  This involves recognizing what your shame triggers are and learning how to deal with them by reaching out and being able to talk about it.  This is a skill that takes a lot of practice but is well worth it.  For people with eating disorders, negative body image thoughts tend to be an indicator of shame and a signal that you need to practice critical awareness of what is going on that triggered the shame so you can work through it.  This will keep you out of the cycle of taking the negative body image thoughts literally and acting on ways to "fix" your body (i.e. using eating disorder behaviors).